Many of you will know I live with depersonalisation, the way this manifests in me in through a detachment from feelings, an emotional numbness; this sits hand n hand with Depression.
In a desperate attempt to address this I’ve spent the past two years in psycho dynamic therapy, it has not been an easy or often pleasant journey; self analysis at the deepest level isn’t, all your darkest thoughts and ideas are brought out, but I believe it has been worth it. For the first time in many years I don’t feel as if death is the best or only choice, I have rediscovered a little hope that life is worth the struggle. There is a negative side to my recognition, the emotions I’m now feeling can be overwhelming; the rage I feel towards the injustices by the worlds Governments is terrifying. Now however I can balance that will the love I feel towards people and perhaps more importantly the peace I feel within myself.
Arriving at this point I decided to take a positive step which could act as a permanent reminder of how I feel today, so yesterday I gained my first tattoo. My amazing daughter Nicki designed it and as I’m so proud I decided to share it with you my Phoenix
This will act as my prompt when my depression/depersonalisation begins to drag me back to the place of no purpose.
I’ve not ‘got over’ my mental health illness and its unlikely I ever will, my Depression and Depersonalisation come from trauma which I cannot forget; but I’ve learnt to forgive those involved.
Therefore I’m hopeful that even when the days become dark, and the struggle to survive drags me down, my Phoenix will remind me that, that it I can Rise Again.