Rising From the Ashes, albeit slowly.

Many of you will know I live with depersonalisation, the way this manifests in me in through a detachment from feelings, an emotional numbness; this sits hand n hand with Depression.

In a desperate attempt to address this I’ve spent the past two years in psycho dynamic therapy, it has not been an easy or often pleasant journey; self analysis at the deepest level isn’t, all your darkest thoughts and ideas are brought out, but I believe it has been worth it. For the first time in many years I don’t feel as if death is the best or only choice, I have rediscovered a little hope that life is worth the struggle. There is a negative side to my recognition, the emotions I’m now feeling can be overwhelming; the rage I feel towards the injustices by the worlds Governments is terrifying. Now however I can balance that will the love I feel towards people and perhaps more importantly the peace I feel within myself.

Arriving at this point I decided to take a positive step which could act as a permanent reminder of how I feel today, so yesterday I gained my first tattoo. My amazing daughter Nicki designed it and as I’m so proud I decided to share it with you my Phoenix



This will act as my prompt when my depression/depersonalisation begins to drag me back to the place of no purpose.

I’ve not ‘got over’ my mental health illness and its unlikely I ever will, my Depression and Depersonalisation come from trauma which I cannot forget; but I’ve learnt to forgive those involved.

Therefore I’m hopeful that even when the days become dark, and the struggle to survive drags me down, my Phoenix will remind me that, that it I can Rise Again.

14 thoughts on “Rising From the Ashes, albeit slowly.

  1. So well written and thr tattoo is beuriful, something i’ve been thinking about. i don’t know if you would be interested in talking about this, linking back to your sitd, on A Silent Roar. Totally get it if not.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. We will overcome! When people come together there is nothing that we can’t achieve, everything created by people should benefit people.

    The establishment know this only too well, which is why they take power away from us, what we need to understand is that we have to take that power away from them.

    We are the many they are the few.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is heartwarming news, Jayne. Your daughter’s design is fabulous and what a great idea to keep you moving forward. I recommend also listening to Maya Angelou’s I Rise every morning! I posted it on what would have been her 90th birthday. It gets me going when all I really want to do is go back to bed and cosy up to keep out the anger I feel at what’s been happening all around and not hear the noises that engender me PTSD reactions. Go, girl! https://firstnightdesign.wordpress.com/2018/04/04/first-night-design-maya-angelou-i-rise/.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. What a beautiful thing your daughter has done designing your tattoo Jayne, it’s now a permanent symbol of your love for one another and also an inspiring reminder of what you have achieved in yourself thus far and in the wider community of online friends and fellow bloggers and activists.

    You story and your empathy for others in their struggles with disability, mental health and suffering under this rotten Tory government, give us so much strength to carry on with our fight. You’re one of the Generals in a very big army of fellow sufferers who encourages us to never give up!

    In solidarity, best wishes,

    Britain Isn’t Eating

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Jayne, Well done, first for going through with the hard work of therapy, Painful, difficult and hopefully enlightening. And the tattoo, wow. You have a very talented daughter. A pheonix…perfect. Onwardswards and upwards. You are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing. x

    Liked by 1 person

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